Jodi and I were talking about redneck jokes the other day, and got onto the topic of this list. Tracey said she hadn’t seen/heard of this take on the classic jokes before, and asked me to send ‘em out.

You might be a redneck if:

· It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, ‘One nation, under God.’      
· You’ve never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
· You still say ‘ Christmas’ instead of ‘Winter Festival.’
· You bow your head when someone prays.
· You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
· You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
· You’ve never burned an American flag, nor intend to.
· You know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
· You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
· You’d give your last dollar to a friend.

This book, written by Peter F. Drucker, concludes with the statement that “effectiveness must be learned” and that the executive’s job is primarily to be effective. While you might initially focus on the word Executive and dismiss the content as relevant only to those esteemed persons who sit on the board of directors, Mr. Drucker drives home the relevance on page 5.

Every knowledge worker in modern organization is an “executive” if, by virtue of his position or knowledge, he is responsible for a contribution that materially affects the capacity of the organization to perform and obtain results.

While Mr. Drucker asserts that this work is not a textbook because “effectiveness, while capable of being learned, surely cannot be taught. Effectiveness is, after all, not a ‘subject’, but a self-discipline.” I would argue that he has done an effective job of teaching it.

Mr. Drucker rests his pillars on a foundation of five practices:

1. Time Management
2. Contribution of Effort
3. Making Strengths Productive
4. Prioritization
5. Effective Decisions

Of these five practices, ACES actively recruits and develops individuals with good Time Management skills, an understanding of Priorities and a willingness to make decisions under pressure. It isn’t difficult to see how the other two practices can be leveraged in any one in our organization.

One of the most unique element of this book is its forthright practicality. Mr. Drucker is not content to merely dabble in the realm of the theoretical but drives hard into applicable disciplines that can make in impact today. While I have read any number of books that proposed to cover the same topic, I can not think of one that I walked away from so convicted to change specific aspects of my work day.

I was also struck by Mr. Druckers reference to, and description of, knowledge workers. If he didn’t coin the phrase he certainly defines it by breathing a life into the two words that anyone in the space will immediately recognize as fact. By defining the knowledge worker, a.k.a. the executive, so well he clearly demonstrates what the individual can focus on in order to improve their effectiveness.

I highly recommend this book, and if you can stand my dog eared and highlighted paperback I would be more than willing to loan out my copy.

ISBN #: 978-0-06-083345-9 

Recommended?: Yes

THE OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well-fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

THE NEW VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and Dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, ‘We shall overcome.’ Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, President Obama approves the EEOC draft from the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retro-active taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed, when he was in office, from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: …Obviously no morals here.

Here’s a post Tommy made as part of a conversation on a message board.  It pretty much summed up my position so I thought I’d share:

I was on the fence for a while after ole huckleberry dropped out of the race, I really liked him a lot. I was astounded with the choice of Palin and ended up watching her speech twice. Then I downloaded it and played it on the big screen for the rest of the family.

I’ve been noticing a trend lately of overly aggressive democrats just getting violent in arguments over this. No one here really but there are some people out there that think that abuse and name calling make for a good argument.

I was generally ignoring the whole thing until they came up with this idea of the “Bubba Vote”. Essentially, white male blue collar voters. They’ve suggested… hold on, that’s not true… they’ve actually said, if you fall into this category and you don’t vote for Obama then your a racist. It doesn’t matter any more that you don’t agree with his policies. It doesn’t matter that you don’t think that he has the skills to lead an entire nation. You’re a racist because you make less than $150,000 and you didn’t vote for Obama. Full stop. End of story.

Where I come from calling someone a “Bubba” can mean a lot of things. It can mean “dumb redneck” or it can mean “Hey You” if that happens to be your name and I know a few people actually named Bubba. It can also just be a general greeting as in, “Hey Bubba, how ya doin”. No where does it mean “racist” and no where does it mean “blue collar, rural, southern republican”. In coming up with this concept the democrats have completely turned me off to voting for their candidate. Doesn’t matter who it is.

I’m mad about the overly aggressive way they treat people that don’t agree with them. I’m mad that they’ve decided that I’m a racist because I make less money than they do and I live in the middle of the country. I am irate that they think that because I believe in a higher power that I’m stupid and misled. I’m irrational because I own guns. I hate the environment because I happen to know a few things about it and haven’t bought into Global Warming AND I have NASCAR tickets (Go #38!). I’m out of touch with reality because I live in a rural area. I’m a homophobe because… well … no one’s really sure but I fit the rest of the profile so I must be.

I don’t like McCain. I don’t like Obama. That pretty much means that once again I am in the position of voting against the candidate that I like the least rather than voting for the candidate that I actually want.

But, hey, I’m not really that angry. This is the way it’s always been and “Bubba” or not I get the same voice that everybody else gets (except the Mexicans who I also hate apparently). That 1 vote that I get to walk into a booth and cast for “my” candidate.

Me? I think I’m going to vote for Sarah Palin and avoid both candidates.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
———————–
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
————————
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
——————
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
—————–
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you’re not ready to shoot grouse..
———————-
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
———————-
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benef it of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
——————–
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
——————-
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those thin gs you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
——————-
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, s o that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
———————
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
———————
11. You will cease playing American football. There i s only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)..
———————
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
——————–
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
—————–
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
—————
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!

Thanks to Tommy for this one!

The US bailout and the problems recently experienced by banks in Europe has now spread to Japan.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly, up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

On Monday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it’s thought likely to go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, and Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Finally, five hundred staff at Karate Bank have now been given the chop, and there’s breaking news that there’s something fishy going on at Sushi Bank. Staff there are worried that they may get a raw deal’.

Driving back home from our all-hands meeting in Charlotte – and running low on gas. When I get off 85 I see the first gas station has gas! Whoot! So I pull in behind this big F350 at the pump.

Well, I sit there a bit, I can see the nozzle in the truck, and figure the driver is in the store. I get a chaw of tobaccy and sit there a bit longer.

Eventually, I decide this is taking too long, but the dang lot is filled up, and I got a line behind me and to both sides and can’t move – so I get out and go in to see if we can get stuff moving again.

I go into the store and the lady what runs the place meets me at the door and says, “I know, he’s been sitting in here with his friends eating lunch and say’s he’ll move it when he’s done. I called the sheriff and he oughta be here soon.”

I asked her, “Which one is he?”

She says, “The big one.”

So I go saunterin’ into the back of the store where they got the picnic tables and sure enough, there ain’t no question about which one is the big one.

Corn fed country boy! I mean, that boy looked like a Brahma Bull personified, musta been like 6.5′ tall too! Sittin’ and eating a samich with about 6 other guys – all of ‘em in there mid-twenties I suspect.

I walked up and said, “Excuse me, reckon that’s your truck out there slowing things down?”

He stood up, looked down at me, and said, “Yea grandpa. It is. Wanna fight about it?”

I said, “Sure. Inside or outside?”

He asks, “Are you serious?” (Friends laughing)

I said, “Well, I was raised in a trailer park in Misipi’. Spent two years in the Army and ten in the US Navy, three of which I served as a drill instructor. On top of that, I got five kids and everyone of them woke up in a bad mood this morning, which didn’t help mine. So, I’m betting I know something you don’t know. Not that I can bench press more than you. Beside which, yer daddy ain’t here to beat yer butt for disrespectin’ your elders, and I reckon he’ll appreciate me doin’ it for him.”

He said (with a skeered look on his face), “You know my daddy?”

I said, “I told ya I know something you don’t know.”

He said, “Excuse me sir. I apologize, I thought I’d just have a little fun with ya, um…I’ll go move the truck right now .. and, um … I didn’t mean nuthin’ by the grandpa statement … I got nothing but respect for my elders and veterans. Please don’t mention this to my pa, I’m real sorry.”

He left to move the truck (which he pulled outa the parking lot and didn’t come back) and the little lady walked over and asked me, “Do you really know his daddy?”

I said, “No ma’am, don’t have a clue who he is.”

His friends was rolling on the floor laughing, and I got a free tank of gas out of the deal!